


Citrus and Coffee

by leo_eats_rocks



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abused Deceit | Janus Sanders, Asexual Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Vitiligo, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Is Gay, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Yes this is a coffee shop AU, i know it's cliche shut up, im really bad at tagging im sorry, somebody help janus, this is my first work please be nice, tw at the start of chapters, who else would, yes remy owns the coffee shop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25742998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leo_eats_rocks/pseuds/leo_eats_rocks
Summary: Janus Newberry has been abused by most people in his life, he's used to it by now. doesn't mean he likes it. His parents never appreciated the fact he liked boys, when he was younger he'd always say "Boy's are pretty" but his parent's shut him down quickly, doesn't mean he thinks they're any less pretty. Then Ryan Crawford came along, convinced Janus his friends-his beloved friends-didn't like him anymore. Nothing could be farther from the truth. When he finds a nice coffee shop down the road-with equally nice baristas-what will happen?*please read the tags*
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Comments: 27
Kudos: 50





	1. Out

**Author's Note:**

> Ryan's mad, that's never good 
> 
> TW: getting kicked out, yelling, punching walls, swearing

"JUST LEAVE!" Silence filled the room as Ryan punched the wall behind Janus.

"W-What?" Janus questioned, he heard the sentence all right, he just wasn't sure he HEARD the sentence, you know?

"You can come back in the morning, I just need some time to think, so please, get out," Ryan explained, Janus was a tad confused, not really, he knew he wasn't supposed to contact his friends, but Alani and Lucan sounded so upset that they didn't see Janus as much that he decided a little phone call never hurt anybody, right? Wrong. Ryan had come home early from work that day and saw Janus on the phone, and naturally asked who it was, when Janus hesitated Ryan lashed out and grabbed the phone, immediately hanging up and screaming and swinging at Janus. Janus was hit on his stomach, a carefully calculated hit, seeing as none of Janus's clothes revealed his stomach meaning no one would see the cuts from Ryan's rings. "

Okay..." Janus said carefully and quietly, he glanced at the oven clock, 10 pm. Janus pulled his pastel yellow sweater that went down to his mid-thigh tighter around him after pulling on his grey beanie and walked out the door of their apartment.

He didn't have any money because Ryan wouldn't let him get a job, so he just walked down to the park and sat down on one of the swings. He was 24, which meant he'd been with Ryan for 3 years, and he still didn't understand why he wasn't allowed a job. Ryan said it would make Janus more "distant", that sounded like a load of bullshit to Janus, but he went along with it anyway, for fear of Ryan leaving him. Janus was starting to think about what he could do now. _'I could call my friends, no I don't have my phone, Ryan has it. I could use a payphone, no, I don't have any money. I could ask to use that gas stations phone, but then who would I call? Alani and Lucan don't care about me._

_~~Ryan reminds me of that a lot~~_

Janus was pulled from his thoughts when he heard someone approaching him. He looked up and saw a man walking towards him, Janus immediately tensed up and got ready to defend himself if a fight were to occur, but instead the man just stood in front of the swing. 

"Are you okay?" The man asked. "My name is Logan, my boyfriend and I couldn't help but notice you"-he gestured to a man standing about 10 feet away-"and we're wondering if you are okay."

 _ ~~no~~_ "Yes, I'm fine. thank you for your concern though," Janus responded, nodding kindly. 

"Well, would you like us to drive you anywhere? Home? Work maybe?" Logan asked, looking over his shoulder at the other man briefly.

Then Janus knew who he could call, one of his friends that Ryan doesn't know about, one that Janus was sure still liked him, because if he didn't then he wouldn't have been friends with Janus since 2nd grade.

"Could I borrow your phone? I'll just need to call a friend," Janus explained as the other man walked over as well.

"Of course," Logan said, pulling out his phone. He gave it to Janus and he immediately typed in the number, grateful he'd memorized it the second his friend got a phone, which was in 8th grade. By then the other man was standing next to Logan. Very soon after Janus hit the call button he heard his friends voice on the other line.

"Hello?"

"Hi Leo! It's Janus. Sorry for calling so late, I need you to come pick me up if you can. I'm at the park behind Town Hall," Janus explained.

"Oh my God, JANNIE! Hi! Of course I'll come pick you up, do you need a place to stay for tonight? You can crash at my place if you want," Leo offered, he seemed very excited to hear from Janus again. 

~~_probably because you abandoned him_ ~~

"Yes, if I could stay at your place that would be wonderful, thank you."

"Anytime! I'll be there soon, okay?" Leo said

"Sounds good," Janus replied

"Awesome! I'll see you soon! Bye!" 

"Bye Leo" Then Janus hung up. "Thanks for letting me use your phone sir," Janus thanked Logan, handing the phone back

"Of course, this is my boyfriend Virgil," Logan said, gesturing at the man next to him, Virgil had purple hair at hung in bangs over his face and he had many piercings, Janus really liked the piercings, he had some too, but Ryan made him keep his out, but Janus always put them in secretly when he wasn't around. 

"Would you like us to stay with you until your friend comes and gets you?" Virgil asked.

"If you'd like," Janus replied, he _really_ didn't wanna be a bother.

"Okay then, we'll stay," Logan said, sitting next to Janus on the swings while Virgil sat in front of the swings.

"So, what's your name?" Virgil asked, Janus knew they heard him say 'It's Janus' while on the phone but they probably thought it would be more polite to ask.

"Janus, J-A-N-U-S, not J-A-N-I-C-E," He told them, making a point to make sure they knew not to spell it wrong.

"Got it, so Janus, how old are you?" Logan asked politely.

"24," 

"Oh cool, I'm 24 too, Logan's 25," Virgil said. Just then Janus saw Leo's car pull into the Town Hall parking lot, which was right next to the park. Then Leo hopped outof the car and came barreling towards them. Janus stood up to greet Leo and was immediately pulled into a bone crushing hug.

"Jan-Jan! I haven't seen you in MONTHS! What's going on? Are you okay? Why are you in a park at"-Leo glanced at his watch-"11 pm?" 

"Me and Ryan got into an argument, I wanna give him some room to breathe right now," Janus explained.

"Oh, okay," Leo then saw Logan and Virgil watching them with great interest. "Hi! Who are you?"

"That's Logan, he let me borrow his phone, and that's Virgil, they saw me sitting here and came over to help me," Janus explained.

Logan then spoke up, "Yes, well, Janus, would you like my number so you can contact us whenever you need us?" 

~~_NO_ ~~

"Yeah sure, I don't have my phone on me though," Janus said, so Virgil handed Logan a spare piece of paper and Logan wrote down a phone number, then handed it to Janus. "Thank you."

"Ok, well, Janie, go get in the car, there's some food on the front seat for you, I'll be there in a second," Leo told him, glancing at the other 2 men, it was obvious he wanted to talk to them, so Janus went to the car.

Leo turned to Logan and Virgil. "Listen, do you guys live near here?" When they nodded he continued, "Okay, look, I live just outside of town, and I'm not around here much, I'm asking you to try and keep an eye out for Jan, I think his boyfriend, Ryan, is...well...abusive,"

Logan and Virgil both look horrified, "What makes you say that?" Virgil asked, suddenly sounding incredibly concerned, and you could practically see the lightbulb go off above Logan, as if it all made sense now.

"Well," Leo started explaining, "He's becoming so distant from me and out other friends, we used to talk everyday before he started dating Ryan, but now we barely talk more than a few times between 3 months, and he used to be so chatty and now he's started only speaking when i ask him a direct question, and he gives the shortest answer, and the few times I've seen him he has a bunch of marks, like cuts and bruises, and he flinches when I go to give him a hug or high-five, or any physical contact, so please, keep an eye out," Leo pleaded

"Of course we will! Here, give me your number so I can contact you," Virgil said handing Leo his phone, Leo put his number in quickly.

"Thank you so much, Janus means the world to me and I just want him to be happy, you know?" Leo said, "Alright, thanks so much."

"Of course," Logan reassured.

"Bye," Leo said, rushing off to his car where Janus was silently eating the food Leo got for him, then they drove away.


	2. Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus comes back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: none

"So, what were Logan, Virgil, and you talking about?" Janus asked, munching on his chicken nuggets.

"Oh, I just gave Virgil my number so we could stay in contact," Leo responding, not wanting to bring up what they were really talking about. 

"Okay," Janus responded. Shortly after that they pulled into Leo's driveway. 

They walked inside, Janus slept in Leo's bed and Leo slept on the couch, Leo didn't want to make Jan uncomfortable.

The next morning Leo drove Janus back to the apartment early in the morning, around 8 am, (Janus insisted he got back before Ryan left for work) and he was forced to say goodbye, and Leo knew he wouldn't see Janus for a while. 

"Bye Jan," 

"Bye, Sunny-D," Janus said smirking

"You said you wouldn't call me that again!" Leo joked, blushing at the embarrassing nickname. It came from when Leo had spilt Sunny-D all over Janus when they were sophomores.

"I couldn't resist," Janus responded.

"Yeah yeah whatever, see ya around!" Leo said, pulling out of the apartment complex parking lot.

"Where did you go?" Ryan asked the second Janus closed the door to the apartment.

"Oh, I just sat at the park, didn't really do much," Janus responded, knowing it was better not to tell him he stayed at another mans house, or he had another mans number, he would have to dispose of it, the trash would be his best bet. But then again Ryan could go through the trash, maybe if Ryan would allow him to go outside today he could let it get caught in the wind. 

"Ah, good, I guess while I'm at work you may go outside," Ryan said, sounding somewhat reluctant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was cut short, i ate shit on pavement today while skateboarding and sprained my wrist, im already having so much trouble typing this out so a new chapter probably won't come for a while, sorry! im so disappointed i can't post that much, i just started this story!


	3. New People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus finds the coffee shop, but Ryan finds the number

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: food mention, implied character death, swearing

Ryan gave Janus his phone back and left soon after Janus got back to the apartment, so Janus changed his clothes and decided to go on a walk. He grabbed $35 dollars he found in the junk drawer, careful to leave some money so Ryan would just think some got lost, he never did keep a good track of his money. Janus shoved the money in his hoodie pocket, and pulled on his gray beanie, he really liked his beanie. 

~~_it was Mason's beanie_ ~~

He left the apartment and just started wandering around town, and he decided to recite his Jellyfish facts to keep his mind from wandering

~~_to what Ryan does behind closed doors_ ~~

_Jellyfish are thought to be over 505 million years old_

_Over 60,000 Jellyfish have been launched into space_

_Jellyfish are 95% water and only 5% structural proteins, muscles, and nerve cells_

_Jellyfish can’t feel pain_

~~_**Lucky bastards** _ ~~

~~~~Janus found himself standing outside an unfamiliar coffee shop, the sign said _Sanders Coffee_. It looked inviting enough, so he decided to go in.

"Oh! Hi Janus!" A familiar voice said, Janus looked up from his dirty sneakers and saw Virgil behind the counter.

"Oh, Virgil, hello," Janus greeted, waving slightly and giving him a small smile.

"What brings you here?" Virgil asked as Janus walked up to the counter.

"Oh, I was just walking around and decided to come in,"

"Nice, would you like anything?"

"Um, I'll have a small hot chocolate please," Janus responded, briefly looking at the menu

"Ok, sounds good," Virgil said. "Would you like any whipped cream with that?"

~~_Ryan said I was never allowed to get whipped cream on anything because I'd get too fat for his liking_ ~~

"No thank you,"

"Your total is $2.34," Virgil told Janus. Janus dug into his pocket and pulled out some money, he paid and then went to wait by the pick up station.

"Small hot chocolate for Janus!" Someone shouted, Janus looked up and saw a hispanic man with a mustache and ear piercings by the pick up station, Janus went up and retrieved his drink before going to sit down at one of the tables.

As he drank the hot chocolate he looked at who else was in the coffee shop, there was a couple sitting at one of the tables sipping their drinks, a brunette girl with glasses that was eating a muffin was working on her computer, and an elderly woman sat at the table closest to Janus was eating a pastry of some sort. Other than that, no one else was here except the workers.

"Hey Janus, why don't you come sit up here, we can chat if you'd like," Janus looked up when he heard the voice, it was Virgil who was pointing to one of the barstools, Janus slowly stood up and went to sit over by Virgil. "So, do you live near here?" 

"Yeah, I live in the apartment complex down on Maple Street with my boyfriend," Janus responded.

"Oh, nice-"

"Hey Vagina! Who's this?" Someone interrupted, it was the hispanic man with the mustache.

"This is Janus, the man from the park me and Logan told you about," Virgil responded.

"Oh, nice, well I'm Remus, Virgil's coworker."

"Nice to meet you Remus," Janus said, just then his phone rang, Janus pulled it out of his pocket and looked to see who was calling. Shit.

Ryan. 

**~~_DON'T ANSWER_ ~~ **

Janus put the phone to his ear, "Hello?"

"Whose. number. is. this?" Ryan's voice asked, sounding deadly. Janus paled.

_he found it_

~~**_WHAT SHOULD_** **_I_** **_DO_**~~ ~~~~

_run away? no, he can track my phone._

_face Ryan? I'll get hurt._

~~**_WHAT SHOULD I DO_ ** ~~

"It's nothing, I meant to throw it out, I promise,"

"Get home. Now," Ryan responded, Janus almost cried at how serious he sounded.

~~_just like dad_ ~~

Virgil and Remus, noticing that Janus was clearly in distress, shared a look, silently asking what they should do.

"Okay, I'm on my way," Janus said, before hanging up. "I gotta go, bye Virgil, bye Remus," Janus said, hopping off the stool and practically running out of the store

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated finally! I'm trying to work out an upload schedule but I don't know if I'll have one, for now you can expect at least 1 chapter a week, maybe more, maybe none, but yeah, that's what I think I'll do


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's pissed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me 
> 
> TW: swearing, blood, physical & verbal abuse, bruises, implied character death

"WHOSE FUCKING NUMBER IS THIS!?"

"I-It's no one's, I only accepted it to be polite, I was going to throw it away but I forgot, I promise," Janus responded. Ryan had him against the wall in fear, Ryan stood in front of him, looking down at the smaller man with pure rage.

"BULLSHIT!" Ryan shouted, punching the wall next to Janus's face. "YOU GOT THE NUMBER OF ANOTHER MAN! YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING WHORE!" Ryan pushed Janus to the ground, Janus's face got caught on the kitchen counter and it sliced his face open on the left side. Ryan continued to verbally and physically abuse him until Ryan got tired and went to bed. But Janus laid on the cold kitchen tiles, bleeding from multiple places.

He eventually got up and went to the bathroom to inspect his injuries.

There was a cut on his face from the counter, bruises on his wrists from when Ryan gripped them a little too hard, and a forming bruise on his torso from where Ryan kicked him with his steel-toed boot. Janus quickly got out a bright blue bandaid and put it on his face, deciding to tell anyone who asked that he simply fell and hit his head, it was true, just not the whole truth

~~_Mason never told the whole truth either, look what happened to him_ ~~

~~~~Jellyfish, that would be a good distraction.

_ A group of Jellyfish are called a bloom, swarm, or smack _

_ The  Turritopsis dohrnii  Jellyfish is  immortal . It can duplicate itself _

_ Some Jellyfish glow _

_ Jellyfish live in all oceans around the world _

**_Iru_ _kandji Jellyfish are only 1 cubic cm large_ **

~~**_JELLYFISH_ ** ~~

~~_T_ ** _H_** _E_ ** _Y_ H _A_**~~ ** _V_** ~~ ** _E_ N**~~O ~~ ** _BO_**~~ _ ~~N~~ E_ ~~ ** _S_**~~

~~**J E _L_**~~ ~~ ** _L_** _Y_ ** _FI_**~~ ** _SH_** **~~J~~ E **~~**_L_** _L_ YF~~ ~~I ** _S_**~~ ** _H_** ~~ **JE _L_ L **~~~~**_Y_** _FIS_ ** _H_**~~

* * *

Janus woke up the next morning on the couch, the first thing he noticed was the horrible pain in his torso. He couldn't remember why, but then it all came back to him. 

**_RYAN_ **

He saw a note on the coffee table, Janus picked it up and started reading

_Dear Janus,_

_I have gone to work, after thinking about it for a very long time, I've decided last night was punishment enough and that you may go outside if you want._

_-Ryan_

Good, Janus could go out, he felt in his pocket and noticed the money was still there, $2 less, but still there. Janus got up and got ready. He put on a purple and black tye-dye hoodie over one of Ryan's oversized green t-shirts, inspecting the bruise on his torso, it was really bad, it was purple, almost black, and when Janus mustered up the courage to touch it, he came to the conclusion that one of his ribs was definitely broken, bruised at best. He decided to leave it alone and pulled on some jeans.

Janus walked around town and ended up at _Sanders Coffee_ again. He shrugged and went inside. Today, it was Remus behind the counter.

"Hi Janus! What can I get for you?" Remus asked, glancing at the band aid quickly. Janus ordered a small iced coffee that was $1.78 and sat at the barstool talking with Remus, glancing at his watch often to make sure he would get home before Ryan did. 

"Hey Remus, I'm here for my shift," Janus heard someone say, he turned around and saw Logan walking in. "Oh, Janus, hello,"

"Hey," Janus greeted, waving slightly, being careful not to let the sleeves of his hoodie fall and reveal his bruised wrists. Remus left the store and Logan took his place.

"So, Janus, how have you been?" Logan asked, it was obvious he wanted to say something about his bandaid, but he didn't.

"I've been good, how about you?"

"Oh, I've been fine," Logan said.

They continued talking before Janus looked down at his watch, 1 hour until Ryan got home.

"I have to go," Janus said standing up. "It was nice seeing you again, bye."

"Goodbye Janus," Logan said, waving as Janus left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh would you look at that, I posted a new chapter


	5. Don't hurt me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ohoho boy this is a wild ride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied past rape, nonconsensual sexual touching (no direct rape, but it's implied), swearing, denying abuse, yes Janus's parents were in the mafia, implied character death

When Janus got home, before Ryan did, he thought it would be best to just start cleaning. He started with the beer bottles and cans that littered the living room, then started doing the dishes, while he was doing that Ryan came home, Janus didn't hear him though, Ryan came up behind Janus and wrapped his arms around his waist. Janus somehow managed not to flinch.

"Hey baby," Ryan said, kissing Janus on the neck.

"Hey," Janus said, still focusing on the dishes.

"My friends are coming over, you remember them right?" Ryan asked, hands still on Janus's waist and mouth still on his neck. Janus stiffened, remembering last time Ryan's friends came over.

_"Stay still for John, okay baby?"_

_**"Be a good boy,"** _

~~_**"Don't resist,"** _ ~~

~~~~"Yeah, I remember them," Of course he did, they were one of the reasons he never wanted to have sex EVER again. He was questioning if he was asexual before, and that time just confirmed it, but it wasn't like he could tell Ryan, he'd beat the shit out of Janus. He'd just have to take it.

"You're gonna be good for them, right?" Ryan asked, but it wasn't really a question. He tightened his grip on Janus.

That just confirmed Janus's fears. He HATED Ryan's friends, rightfully so of course, but Ryan only let them do that because he loved Janus, right?

"Yes," Janus said, but inside, he was screaming _"PLEASE DON'T LET THEM DO THAT"_

"Good," Ryan walked away and into the living room and Janus let out a breath, he was terrified, but there was no way he'd tell Ryan that.

* * *

There was a knock at the door and Ryan answered, it was Ryan's friends. John, Mark, and Chris.

~~**_OH NO_ ** ~~

"Hey Janus, come in here please," Ryan called from the living room, Janus slowly stood up from his seat at the kitchen table, he wasn't doing anything there, just sitting and hoping they'd go away. He dragged himself into the living room and sat down next to Ryan.

John immediately got his hands on Janus, running his hands up and down his waist, Janus had to resist the urge to push him away.

Janus did NOT like what he did next.

* * *

After Ryan's friends left Janus broke down in Ryan's arms, and Ryan let him cry.

"You were so good for John," Ryan said, rubbing Janus's back, and only got muffled sniffling in response.

Ryan was nice that night and let Janus sleep on the couch instead of forcing him to sleep next to him.

The next morning by the time Janus got up Ryan had gone to work. Janus put on a long black skirt that reached just past his knees and a cropped white zip up hoodie, John was at least careful enough to not leave any marks where they were clearly visible, no one could see them from the clothes Janus was wearing. He pulled on a green beanie and started his walk to Sanders Coffee. He walked in and saw Logan and someone else Janus didn't recognize behind the counter.

"Hello Janus, this is Remy, he owns this place," Logan said, gesturing to the other man.

"You must be Janus! I've heard a lot about you," Remy said, sticking his hand out to shake Janus's hand.

* * *

_"This is mom's new boss Janus, Mr. Desmond," 10 year old Janus shook the hand of his parents' new boss. The man carefully looked at Janus's face, presumably because of his vitiligo, it made Janus really uncomfortable._

* * *

"Nice to meet you Remy," Janus greeted, he ordered his drink and paid then went to sit at a table in the corner instead of at one of the bar stools. He pulled out his phone and started looking at some old videos from before he started dating Ryan.

~~_when Mason was still around_ ~~

~~~~"Hey Janus," Someone said, Janus looked up and saw Remus sitting across from him. Janus was really happy to see him, not that he'd ever admit it out loud and he put his phone into his pocket.

"Hello Remus," Janus greeted.

"Are you okay? You seem upset today," Remus said, looking concerned. Janus immediately panicked, his defences going up, granted his only 'defences' were _"deny deny deny,"_ and _"fight"_ , he went with deny.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm not upset at all," Janus said, probably sounding suspicious. 

"I don't believe that for a second," 

"Uh, look, I gotta go," Janus stood to get up, and Remus stood too, looking back, Remus most definitely raised his hand to put it on Janus's shoulder, but Janus was in protect mode, so he flinched away and put his hands over his face, he saw Logan and Remy watching and Remus's jaw drop.

"You-you thought I was going to hit you," Remus said, quietly.

"I gotta go," Janus said hurriedly, running out of the coffee shop and running all the way back to his apartment. When he got back he almost cried, he almost just broke down and told Remus everything, but that would be useless, Ryan loved him, and no one else did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry


	6. Missing (dead) People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus misses him...a lot
> 
> (aka we learn who this Mason character is and some more about Janus's childhood/parents) 
> 
> (I'm REALLY REALLY sorry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Past suicide, past kidnapping, mentioned foster parents, swearing

That night, after Ryan went to bed, Janus stayed up. He sat in the living room, trying to focus on the show playing on the TV, but he was failing miserably, considering he wasn't paying attention enough to even name the show, so he decided he just had to face what he was thinking about head on.

Mason. It was always Mason.

* * *

_Two fourteen year olds sat in a park on the swings, they were holding hands, there were little bags of candy in their other hands that they were snacking on as they talked. Both blissfully unaware of the man watching them._

_"No way Janus! There is no way Leo got KISSED by COLTON!" The taller boy exclaimed, his hair was long, but not too long, just barely long enough to put into a ponytail. He wore a newsboy hat that he called his Newsies hat, and he wore a t-shirt and cargo shorts. (scandalous I know)_

_"Believe it Mason! Leo told me they're going on a DATE!" The shorter boy responded. They were maybe just a little bit gossiping about their friend and his crush (soon to be boyfriend if the date went well)_

_"No!"_

_"Yes!" They both giggled. "It's getting dark, I have to go," 14 year old Janus said, glancing at the setting sun._

_"Yeah, I should be going too, my mom won't be too happy about me not being home,"_

_"My mom's dead," Janus joked and they both laughed._

_"I feel bad for laughing but that was funny!" Mason said between giggles._

_"Heh, anyways, bye Mason," Janus said standing up and grabbing his backpack. He gave Mason a slow kiss. "I love you," Janus said after they pulled away from each other._

_"Love you too Janny," Mason said, then Janus walked away, glancing over his shoulder to give Mason a wave before disappearing behind a building. Unfortunately, he didn't hear Mason's muffled screams as he was dragged away by the man._

* * *

Janus didn't know when he started crying, probably the second he started thinking about that day, he wished they'd walked home together, he wished Mason was strong enough to make it to when the police found him, he wished he could kiss Mason again, tell him he loved him, hold him again, because the last time he held Mason they were 16 and one was in a casket, dead. 

Janus missed Mason so much he was in physical pain, it hurt so much. He wished he was with Mason, he just wanted to be with him, not STUPID RYAN. He wanted his boyfriend back. He wished he could've told Mason he was asexual, he would've hugged Janus and told him nothing would change. He wished he could help Mason put his hair up because he didn't know how to do a ponytail. He wished he could've married him.

On one hand Janus was angry at Mason for not holding on longer, he was angry that Mason hurt him like that, Mason knew how much it hurt Janus when his mom killed herself, even though she was a piece of shit. But on the other hand, he understood. Mason felt like there was no other way out. He was being held captive by 2 grown men for 2 years. But Janus was still angry, HE was the one that had to go to the funeral and cry while Leo had his arm over Janus's shoulder. HE was the one that never grieved properly because he was so, so scared that if he grieved he'd forget Mason. HE was the one that had to go to school and deal with everyone asking if he was okay. HE was the one who's foster parents told him it was his fault for not walking Mason home. HE was the one who held Mason's mom's hand as they both cried. 

Janus had to get out, he had to go outside and just cry and yell. Janus pulled on a jacket and silently slipped outside. He ran, he found a park and sat on one of the swings, knowing Mason should be sitting next to him, and he just cried.

"WHY HIM!?" Janus yelled, the more Janus thought, the more he realized he wasn't angry at Mason, he was angry at the world.

"Janus?" Someone said, sounding unsure. Janus looked up and locked eyes with Remus. "Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah, I'm just great!" Janus said sarcastically and Remus winced.

"That was a stupid question," Remus said, sitting on the other swing. "Can I...put my hand on your back?" Remus asked hesitantly and when Janus nodded he immediately started rubbing Janus's back.

"Can you tell me what's bothering you?" Remus asked after 5 minutes of Janus just crying.

"I miss him so fucking much, it hurts Remus, it HURTS."

"Who?"

"Mason! He was my boyfriend okay! And now he's SIX FEET UNDER!" Janus shouted, going into hysterics again.

"Oh sweetheart," Remus said getting up and pulling Janus into a hug. Janus immediately hugged back and just sobbed into Remus.

"We were 14 when he got kidnapped, he was held captive for 2 years before he just gave up and ended his own life,his captors just left his body. Why couldn't he have held on Remus? Why was it him who got taken? Why was my life and everyone else who was close to him's lives ruined, all because some grown ass men decided they just HAD to take a fucking 14 year old away." Janus found himself telling Remus everything, once he started he couldn't stop. He told Remus about how Ryan treats him, he told Remus he never actually grieved Mason. He told him everything. 

And Janus hated every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :/.......I'm really sorry
> 
> I cried writing this, just saying


	7. Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to do this thing where every other chapter is a flashback/memory to when Mason was alive and well, so this one's the first chapter of Memories with Mason :D, some of them will be really short though, and this one is one of those short ones :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: swearing,

_"Mason, wait up!" 12 year old Janus yelled laughing slightly, Mason looked behind him and smiled at Janus, he didn't know why Mason's smile made him feel...all sorts of feelings._

_"Look Janus, I'm trying to get to the 7-11 but you're slow ass is dragging me down!" Mason joked. They were currently walking to a gas station to get some snacks because, they were hungry what can I say._

_"Sorry I don't do track," Janus said catching up with Mason._

_"You should be sorry, loser," Mason said, sticking his tongue out at Janus._

_"Whatever, you unsolicited goblin child," Janus joked._

_"Ooh, that's a new one."_

_"What can I say? Insults are my specialty!" Janus said, pretending to flip his hair._


	8. A/N

omfg-im so sorry i haven't updated in a hot minute-im tryin yall-

but actually tho im gonna try to update but if i dont-dontblamemeblamemyterriblementalhealthanddisabilities-

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! please tell me if you like this, and feel free to point out any spelling/grammar mistakes


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